Brisbane

OK, so it is my home town. At least the capital city of my home state. I have lived overseas for years (over forty) and people say:

'You are from Australia?'

'Yes.'

'Sydney or Melbourne?' as if there is no where else, apart possibly from Perth, usually pronounced Pess.

When I say Brisbane, nine times out of ten there is a puzzled look and people ask where it is. So I have to explain that is is near the Gold Coast! Aha.

I try to be positive about Brisbane, but really, every time I come back to do the 'pay homage to my family' routine, I shudder. It is now a congested and confusing city. The traffic is horrendous - not Jakarta or Shanghai horrendous, but more a cross between Singapore's PIE on a bad day (any day between 7 and 9 in the morning) and the eastern approaches to the Penang bridge in rush hour. Brisbane planners have managed to create mega city traffic chaos out of a mini city. I blame Lord Mayor Clem Jones and his tramocide policies for that.

The roads are still in a constant state of 'improvement'. They are even building tunnels. And more bridges. How did the goons put it? 'It is all part of the government's dig up the roads campaign to congest traffic schemes'. Ah Seagoon, where are you when we need you?

Beautiful Brisbane? Hmmm. It has some 'nice' (as in noice) places - the view over the botanical gardens from River Terrace, the view from Mt Cootha, the ... ummm. Ask yourself (if you have to live there) - where would you take a first time visitor and expect to hear more than three and a half oohs or aahhs?

Point made and moving on.

Boring? Check out the entertainment page in the local paper (Australia's worst). Nothing happens. This morning's entertainment guide was on the left hand corner of a page three quarters of which was devoted to the virtues of the persimmon. QED.

Sure, you can eat reasonably well. You can always have a coffee or a snack at allegedly classy bistros in Park Rd, Rosalie and even (I kid you not) Stones Corner. (No, nothing to do with Mick and co.) Fumes from the traffic crawling by waft over you for free adding a certain piquancy to the latte.

Public transport? The trains are OK but they go where people don't want to go. I caught the Doomben train from Central yesterday. How many other passengers? Ten. Nine of us got off at the Valley. I wanted to take a bus (for some reason most are called 'the buz') to Windsor. I waited at a buz stop where years ago buzes used to stop. There was a post there, and a sign saying bus/z stop. I waited for ten minutes. A policeman approached me.

'Why are you waiting there?' he asked.

'For the bus.'

'They don't stop here any more,' he said.

'So why is the seat and the stop sign still here?'

'They don't stop here any more.'

'So where do I go?'

'Round the corner, mate. About five hundred meters up.'

'Thanks,' said I as I heaved myself on to my crutches and staggered off in the warmth of a tropical Brisbane morning. 32 degrees and climbing....

But the policeman was helpful.

'Station's closer mate, take a train.'

'There is none for another hour,' I said. I'd already checked.

He shrugged.

I would love to tell all my overseas friends that Brisbane is a great destination. So it is not Sydney, but then Sydney without the harbour is South Brisbane . And Melbourne?

I think I'll leave now and go up to Malaney. At least it is beautiful up there.