Crossing Your Tehs

Singapore

Coffee? Tea? Go to a coffee shop.

Hang on. It is not that simple. If you think that a barista is a well-trained maker of coffee, you are wrong. They are artists with foam who rely on machines to provide a tiny dollop of coffee with which they create paintings of leaves, ferns, breasts, kittens: whatever. The machines they use take five minutes to disgorge the black gunk. After five minutes waiting for your name to be called, you end up with less than 200 millimetres of coffee and two metres of art. Sure, the baristas need a bachelor’s degree.

In Singapore, as in many parts of Asia, baristas would be unable to cope. A Singaporean purveyor of local coffee and tea needs a master’s degree. And you get your order in very quick time. Thirty seconds max. Plonk. A cup is splashed down in front of you. Make sure you wear wellington boots.

It may be fast, but understanding what to order Singaporean style, you need a PhD. Be prepared for total confusion.

Let me offer you a course outline for ordering a cuppa in the city state.

First, where do you get a cuppa? At a coffee shop?

Yes, and no. Westerners refer to coffee shops as shops that sell coffee. They imagine a Starbucks, or a funky retro designed salon serving beverages in cups or jugs or glasses or bottles or whatever. Don’t think Starbucks: but think of any of a thousand delightful coffee shops dotted around this amazing little country.

But, wait. I am wrong. These are not coffee shops. I am not talking about Western ideas of coffee shops where you leisurely sip your chosen beverage with a teensy weensy designer bikkie on the saucer and pretend you are in Vienna with Mozart or St James Boutique Café in Knightsbridge with J K Rowling. Coffee shop? Café might be close, but that has a different connotation to Westerners and Singaporeans (the non-Orchard Road types) alike. Maybe a cute way is to pronounce the acute in café.

The emphasis must be on syllable two: Ka fay… prétendre que vous êtes français,

In Singapore, throw out your preconceptions. A coffee shop is a coffee shop. They are two different things. You could call it a Kopi Tiam, but then you ask, isn’t Gloria Jeans a coffee shop? No. Not in Singapore.

Then what is it? Singaporeans — at least those who are not members of the art of the coffee cognoscente or aficionado set —refer to these as…? You know, after all these years I am still not sure.

That requires a further post graduate degree. Relax? I’ll try and explain.

I have good grounds for being confused.

‘Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!’

‘That’s understandable sir. It was only ground this morning’.

Suffice it to say that if you ask a Singaporean who lives away from Orchard Road to take you to a Singaporean coffee shop, be prepared for a surprise.

Step 1. If you are asked to take a taxi, stop.

Step 2. Take a bus or the MRT. Then you will show that you understand what is happening. Taxis are for accessing the refined establishments which are always air conditioned and charge for the privilege of sipping on twenty centimetres of coffee in a huge cup at rates that make an Australian barista cringe with embarrassment, or probably envy.

Step 3. Drop your jaw in total surprise when you arrive. You will see that you are in a hawker centre in a residential area. The seats are stools. The air conditioning does not exist, and you can supplement your coffee or tea (when you work out how to order it), with soft-boiled eggs, toast, kaya jam, carrot cake, nasi Lemak, roti prata, chicken rice, pig organ soup or ice kachang.

Step 4. Pay a dollar.

Confused? You have grounds for so being. First, let’s back track to some of the terms I used in the four steps. Some elucidation may be needed.

Coffee shop (Singapore meaning): a non-air conditioned cafeteria conglomerate of dozens of stalls selling everything from laksa to noddles. Cheap.

Coffee shop (non Singapore meaning): a refined, air conditioned establishment serving coffee (which is not actually a coffee shop) selling side treats such as designer sandwiches and cheesecake. Expensive. Very expensive. Indeed, coffee shops (non Singapore meaning) single handedly tweak the stats upwards to be the major contributor to Singapore’s ranking as the world’s most expensive city.

Hawker centre: No, it is not a place that sells hunting birds. Those you find in Bahrein. Hawker Centres are easily recognised by seeing these characters:: 小贩中心; or 熟食中心. Does that help? You could try pinyin and ask for a xiǎofàn zhōngxīn or a shúshí zhōngxīn. In case that is not clear, a hawker centre is an open-air complex selling food and drinks and often close to a wet market and a dry market. They have replaced (destroyed) street hawkers. Singapore is not alone here. Anyway, they can be carefully controlled by government regulation, and Singapore likes that.

Residential area: where people really live in Singapore: the heartlands, HDB blocks and so on. You don’t find them in landed property areas. Infra dig.

Seats: see stools

Stools: see seats.

Air conditioning: What talking you?

Soft-boiled eggs: A Singaporean specialty. I always see it as a DIY breakfast. The coffee stall sidekick (not waiter) carefully places (read dumps) five things in front of you:

1.              a large beaker, usually blue, filled with boiling water in into which two eggs have been inserted. The beaker is usually lidded: to keep the water hot.

2.              Two bottles: one is a pepper shaker: the other soy sauce.

3.              One dessert bowl (plastic): this is for your eggs once they cook. Egg cups? Huh?

4.              One plate (plastic): you use this to keep your egg shells off the table: at least in some coffee shops, sorry, hawker centres.

5.              A plate containing three or four extremely thin slices of sweet toast slathered with butter and kaya jam. (Read on)

6.              A spoon, usually a small one.

Along with the smiling service (repeat huh?) is a barked order: 等待十分钟. Roughly translated, this means, wait ten minutes lah.

You wait. Starving. Thirsty. Both. Then you gingerly remove the eggs with your fingers or spoon (the better option) and break them into your dessert bowl (plastic). After dipping your burned fingers into your tea or coffee as it is now cooler, you add copious quantities of sauce and pepper. Then you eat it with the spoon. Egg soup. Sometimes I prefer to drink it.

Delicious? Once you get used to it, absolutely.

Before and after…

Toast: slices of micro sliced ‘bread’. I use the term euphemistically. Slathered with

butter and kaya jam. By the time your eggs are ready the toast is cold.

Kaya jam: kaya is basically coconut jam, with a topping of sugar, coconut water, eggs, pandan and served on toast with margarine or butter. I ask for no jam: just butter to ensure I get my margarine.

Carrot Cake: First up, it’s not made of carrot. For carrot read red radish. Translate the Hokkien into English and is can be chai tow (carrot or radish) kway (cake). It is a mistranslation. The result is delicious. You can get black or white red radish cake: depends on the sauce. Always they sprinkle salty ikan bilis (anchovies) over the top. As a vegetarian, I ask them not to. Sometimes they do.  

Nasi Lemak: Literally: fat rice. Coconut rice topped with sweet and spicy sambal chilli, deep-fried chicken wing (one) and ikan bilis

Roti Prata: Roti: Bread. Prata: flat. A South-Indian flat bread: fried stretched dough flavoured with ghee and served with curry.

Chicken Rice: A Singapore specialty. Adapted from a fusion of Hokkein and Hainanese traditions. Look around your coffee shop: you will see numerous stalls with dead chickens hanging from hooks. What do you get? Bite-sized chicken pieces — or if you are with a host of other meat eaters, a whole chicken served with fragrant rice and a spicy chilli and ginger paste. My carnivore friends assure me it is scrumptious.

Ice kachang: The ultimate Singaporean sin: a concoction of shaved ice, red beans, sweet corn, grass jelly and cubes of agar-agar, coloured with syrups of several suspicious colours and topped with a final squirt of evaporated milk. The shaved ice is hand-cranked with a traditional ice machine. It is one of Singapore’s best loved desserts. As I said: sinful: sweet and totally delicious. Probably only 500 calories per bowl, not counting the ice.

Kopi Tiam: Finally we are back to coffee. Always remember that coffee is something drunk to wash down food. You can be weird and order it by yourself, but you will be in the minority. In Singapore, you find Kopi Tiams in almost all residential, industrial and business districts. There are thousands of them. Food courts, hawker centres, kopi tiam: all contain numerous stalls.

So much information, and we still have not sorted out the next level of complexity. The ultimate question: How do I order a coffee or tea?

This is where your PhD is needed. Here is a list of your options. Let’s start with coffee.

Kopi: Coffee, usually with condensed milk and sugar

Kopi C: with evaporated milk instead of condensed milk

Kopi O: Black, means without milk: sugar only

Kopi O kosong: no milk and sugar: just the coffee

Kopi O Siew Dai:  Hot black coffee or tea with sugar only

Kopi O Poh: Hot black coffee with lesser coffee powder

Kopi O Po Ga Dai: Hot black coffee with lesser coffee powder and more sugar

Kopi O Gau Ga Dai: Hot black coffee with more coffee powder and more sugar

Kopi O Gau: Hot black coffee with more coffee powder

Kopi O Gau Siew Dai: Hot black coffee with more coffee powder and lesser sugar

Kopi O Po Siew Dai: Hot black coffee with more coffee powder and lesser sugar

Kopi Siew Dai: Reduced sweetness, means lesser sugar

Kopi Ka Dai: Added sweetness, means more condensed milk and sugar forming a gloop at the base of the glass or mug

Kopi Po: Thin less coffee powder

Kopi Hei Bai: Chinese tea: Black and white, means combination of glass jelly (or Chin Chow, usually black in color) and soy milk (a white beverage).

Now you understand how to order coffee. Drink a coule of glasses and then turn the page to take the second seminar of our PhD: it involves understanding tea: teh.

Teh: Hot tea, usually with condensed milk and sugar

Teh Her: Fishing, dipping the tea bags, usually Chinese tea (Forget your Earl Gray)

Teh Siew Dai: Hot tea with condensed milk and less sugar

Teh Ga Dai: Hot tea with condensed milk and more sugar

Teh Ga Dai: Hot tea with condensed milk and more sugar

Teh Kosong: Hot tea with condensed milk only

Teh Tarik: Pulled hot tea with condensed milk and sugar

Teh Halia: Ginger tea: Hot tea with condensed milk, sugar and ginger

Teh C: Hot tea with evaporated milk and sugar

Teh C Siew Dai: Hot tea with evaporated milk and lesser sugar

Teh C Ga Dai: Hot tea with evaporated milk and more sugar

Teh C Kosong: Hot tea with evaporated milk only

Teh C Tarik: Pulled hot tea with evaporated milk and sugar

Teh O: Hot tea with sugar only

Teh O Siew Dai: Hot tea with lesser sugar

Teh O Ga Dai: Hot tea with more sugar

Teh O Kosong: Just tea: Hot tea without milk and sugar

Teh O Tarik: Pulled hot tea with sugar

Tiao Her: Chinese tea in tea bags

And you want iced tea or iced coffee? Add the word es (ice) and you’ll get huge blocks of ice (though less that Starbucks) in a small amount of tea or coffee.

For an honours degree in ordering your beverage at a real coffee shop, not the other coffee shop, move on to other beverages.

Tut Kiu: Hot Milo with condensed milk and sugar. It means: kick the ball, and refers to the picture on the Milo tin

Milo Kosong: Hot Milo without milk and sugar

Milo Dinosaur: Iced Milo with condensed milk and sugar, and undissolved Milo powder.

The Permen Perdina: mint tea. Specify whether you want it with milk, kosong or hot or cold…by know you should be able to work it out.

Simple. And you thought that ordering a cappuccino, or a latte or a flat white or Americano was difficult? This is Asia. Nothing is the same. That is the purpose of coming here. Not to order a big mac or a latte,

In case you are a picture book reader, the image of the next page will further confuse — sorry — help you

Got it?

Then please order me a Teh C Siew Dai Tarik Halia kurang panas. Then I’ll send you your PhD in the post: as long as you provide your credit card, bank account and password details…