1.             Gym Fat

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Before I became addicted to gyms, I looked a little overweight. (OK, I was fat.) But after six months my abs became ab-solutely ab-dorable; my pecs were impeccable. At least I thought so. For the first time in decades I could wear clothes that did not have an ‘X’ in the label. Depending on the brand, even ‘L’ was too big!

As a keen student of human behavior, part of the fun was watching people pretending to work out. Over years of study (in between reps and cardiac arrests) I developed a classification system for eccentric exercisers.

1.             Perfumed Princesses: Male and female, these arrive at the gym, make up perfect, wearing cute designer-label (and usually tight) workout gear, hair coiffured (and that was the men!). Their perfume cuts through the sweat from nearby rows of gasping cardio clowns on treadmills. They rarely raise a sweat. Swaet droplets ruin the pages of the Style or Fascino magazines they read while nudging their exercise bikes. I could never understand them. Mind you, few of them ever looked as if they really needed to work out. Why they bothered to go remains a complete mystery.

2.             Sweat Swaggerers. Give these a wide berth. Being sloshed with swung sweat is not sweet. It can splash a perfumed princesses’ pristine pantyhose or make the mobile maniacs’ mobiles mouldy. This type drips with sweat whether they work out or not. Inevitably, the BO factor is also high.

3.             Blood-vessel Busters: the heavy-duty workout bunnies. They look like a cross between the incredible hulk and Shrek with a six pack. Inevitably, they end their work out (minimum three hours) looking as plastic surgery has failed their face. They make you feel inadequate when you are pushing twenty kilos and straining while they lift twice the amount with their pinkie.

4.             Tongue Teasers: Usually female, always genteel, they spend their time sipping tea and chatting. Occasionally, they might do some delicate, non-stressful, loosening up exercises. As a sign of their sociability, they bring in cream cakes and other healthy snacks. I became friends with a few of them, but rarely (ok, every so often) partook of their delicacies.

5.             Mobile maniacs. I can’t believe that people use their mobiles whilst they jog or push weights. It rings and suddenly the whole gym is treated to an unwanted insight into their petty lives. ‘Oh hi!’ (Mobile maniac looks round to make sure the rest of us are eavesdropping!) ‘I’m at the gym right now. I try to stay committed to my workout regime.’ (Since you ask, gym owners do not provide barf bags.)

6.             iPod Implantees: even worse the mobile maniacs. the non-communicators of the world, be it in a gym or anywhere. Most gyms provide a TV which is a must if you spend two hours on a treadmill — unless you have an iPod. They pound the treadmill, synchronising steps with the beat on their iPod. Given the terrible music gyms play in the belief that it incites effort, I might be tempted, but could I work out to Bach? Playing an organ is enough exercise in itself. A Bach fugue uses up at least 176.5 calories.

7.             Sauna Savants: Usually old. Usually flabby. This type comes to the gym only for the sauna and the steam-room. They tend to sit close to each other inside the sauna and steam-rooms, moving apart when you enter. I wonder why? I rarely saw them on any equipment — apart from their own.

8.             Mirror Monitors. These do twelve reps, stop, look in the nearest mirror and examine their bodies to see if their iliopsoas or brachialis have expanded. They then turn sideways and admire their six-pack. Some take off their shirts which is too much; it makes me jealous. I would never stoop to checking myself in the mirror (unless no one is watching). I position myself as I lift dumbbells so that I can be sure that my teensy tummy roll disappears when I lie on my back — and breathe in.

9.             Spotters. These are necessary accessories for mirror monitors. A spotter stands over you while you bench press. Of course it is de rigueur to use far more weight than you can manage while your spotter places his little finger under the bar and pretends he is not helping.

10.          Complimenters (a.k.a. bitches) play an essential role in the gym. VERY bitchy and VERY envious. But they are necessary to the gym. It is nice to be lied to under certain circumstances.

11.          Dumb Belles are the hyenas of the gym. Mirror monitors as well, and always accompanied by spotters and complimenters, they hog a workout station doing 60 sets of 40 different exercises but spend five minutes chatting (and complimenting each other) between sets! They leave dumbbells strewn around the floor and move to the next machine where they repeat the process. Most of my exercise involves picking up after them. Inevitably, after I have tidied up, they return from their 30 second sprints on the treadmill and throw the dumbbells round, yet again leaving them for someone else to pick up, all the while smiling at themselves (and each other) in the mirror.

12.          True Champions: these are the overweight, out of shape people who disregard the sneers and work their hearts out. Well done. Keep it up.

I enjoy the camaraderie of the gym. Regardless of your physique, you get respect for trying. Putting your body through agony in the quest of vanity is noble indeed.

I am still waiting to look like Mr. Universe. It didn’t happen in Malaysia.